Jens Berges' blog part 9

Cheering me up

I am dying of a terminal lung condition about which (if sufficiently interested) you can read in some earlier posts.

I am dying, but in order to cheer me up, I should maybe think more about living.

Earlier today, I went to a large supermarket for some groceries. There I saw three women who were also buying household items.

Funny, but I was fascinated by one of them. She was short and, for her height, clearly overweight. I had a hard time guessing her age. She had big boobs, which is not common in Southeast Asia. Because of her stoutness, she probably looked younger than she actually was.

I followed her around the supermarket, more or less at a distance. That is easy at supermarkets. Just put things in your shopping cart, near to where your object of desire selects goods. Or go to the same vegetable weighing counter.

And then, all of a sudden, she smiled at me. She must have noticed that I was looking at her, and that I was attracted to her.

I smiled back, and moved on. That was a mistake. I should have started a conversation.

But I wasn't prepared for this. I was at the supermarket to buy groceries, not searching for personal contacts. And after I saw her first, I just wanted a chance for some more glimpses.

I have to say that even though I have a terminal lung disease, I am not coughing all the time. I did not cough at the supermarket. And even though I have a severe condition, I do not look ill.

I am sorry, but as a European white male just a little short of six feet, I do get an attractiveness bonus here in Southeast Asia.

Also, compared to Europe and North America, there is less ageism here in Southeast Asia. A couple of an older man and a younger woman seems natural to most people here. Nobody stares.

I know, my advantage in Southeast Asia is not fair. But I don't feel guilty. I did not steal my advantage. It is just there, so in the past 40 years that I have lived in Southeast Asia, I made the best of it.

I had to explain this at some length to communicate my situation at the supermarket when the young woman, I was fascinated with, smiled at me.

Why? Because it was a smile for no purpose. An erotic smile.

I was stupid to just push my cart onwards. I should have said something. But I went to select some items that I had on my list, and when I realized the potential this encounter had, and when I walked through more aisles to find her again, she and her two companions had already left.

I know I am a dying man of 72. I live alone, I do not have a wife. I have two married housemaids. It must be two, so there will be no misperceptions about what this is about. It's about cleaning the house, washing clothes and dishes, and preparing meals. They only cost 10 dollars a day, each of them, and here, in Southeast Asia, nobody thinks this is exploitive.

I don't have reason to feel guilty because of the attraction I felt for the young woman at the supermarket. It did not betray anybody.

So now I am back home. The maids have left, but in my mind, the woman I saw at the supermarket is still with me. I have romantic feelings for her. She will never know.

I hope I will dream about her, many nights. My dreams at night are usually good... I do not have nightmares. And in my dreams at night, I am neither old nor ill. They are the best part of my days.