Jens Berges' blog part 10

Southeast Asian women

I am a 72-year-old Scandinavian who has lived in Southeast Asia for more than 40 years. I can communicate orally and in writing (no Google Translate needed) with the people of Thailand, Laos, Indonesia, and Malaysia. The Philippines and Singapore are English-speaking.

I identify with Southeast Asia, not Scandinavia, and not even Europe.

Within Southeast Asia, there is great variety. The religion may be Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, or Hindu. There are 8 different writing systems: Thai, Laotian, Burmese, Vietnamese, Khmer, Latin, Arabic, and Mandarin. But while religion and language differentiate cultures, there also are deeper social similarities among Southeast Asian countries.

Women are often the de facto heads of family, especially in rural settings. Women usually control household finances.

Rural women in Southeast Asia may be poor, but they are not repressed. They make their own choices. You could not always say that about the women of South Asia or the Middle East.

Sexual relationships, in general, are more transactional in Southeast Asia than in the West, and the concept of sexual market value is instinctively comprehended.

Don't misunderstand the term sexual market value. It has very, very little to do with the market for commercial sex. Rather, it is a composite index of your desirability as a spouse or intimate partner, taking into account your age, your physical attractiveness, your manners, your education, your profession, your religion, your nationality, and yes, certainly, your wealth.

If a man is interested in a young, beautiful woman, he will be expected to provide more economic benefits than if he were to court an older, less attractive woman, and the greater the age and attractiveness gap, the greater the expected material benefits on the female side. This applies to both short-term and long-term relationships. It is considered natural.

Western men who have newly arrived in Southeast Asia often act stupidly when trying relationships. They assume that a woman who agrees on a sexual relationship, does so because she is magically attracted to the Western suitor.

This concept of miraculously falling in love, or love at first sight, maybe applies to Southeast Asian school children.

But even older female teenagers will have learned to enter sexual relationships with a more computational sense. What's in it for me, compared to the alternatives? This attitude on entering a new relationship will prevail for decades.

This doesn't mean that Southeast Asian women would not form strong bonds once they are in a relationship with a man. They do, often more so than in Europe or North America.

This bonding features as possessiveness, and it potentiates when women are jealous. Mind you, Southeast Asian women have cut the genitals of unfaithful partners, and they have murdered womanizers.

In some countries in Southeast Asia, there are few societal restrictions on sexual conduct. There one will find women who agree easily on short-term relationships, if the purse is right. They may have gone through dozens of such relationships. The more such encounters, the less special the next one. While these women, in the mid-twenties and older, milk stupid old Westerners, they often finance young and fashionable local lovers.

Sexual market value works both ways. Young men, maybe around 20 years of age, and attractive to look at, can easily find older wealthy women who maintain them.

While to many observers, the applied concept of sexual market value sounds too calculating to be romantic, it's also a great opportunity for older people, men and women, who seek younger sexual partners. (Though Western women of a certain age prefer Jamaica, or the Gambia.)

And yes, if you are a man who plays his hand right, a woman 20 or 30 years your junior can appear madly in love with you. The key is to understand jealousy, even jealousy about your past (which is safer to play, and comes without the risk to have your genitals cut off while you sleep).

Here is some advice for Western men who want to enter a serious relationship with a Southeast Asian woman.

Stay away from touristy areas, especially Pattaya, Phuket, and Bali. Also stay away from capital cities, especially Bangkok and Jakarta.

Assess your sexual market value, even when the context is not sexual. Evaluate the competition.

If your sexual market value is lower than that of the person you flirt or court, be prepared to pay for the difference.

If you want a partner who is primarily loyal, aim for someone with a lower sexual market value. But mind you, above the early twenties, very few women will be single, and ordinary women in Southeast Asia take marriage, or romantic relationships, very seriously. They won't break up an existing relationship to venture with a foreigner.

Obviously, there are regional differences. Thailand is very liberal; in Laos, the only way is a formal marriage (anything else, and the police will be in for the money); Malaysia is two cultures alongside each other, Malay and Chinese (with a bit of Indian), and a religious marriage will be needed for a relationship with a Malay woman; Indonesia is the most diverse, and the penetration of local culture by the professed standards of the Indonesian central state is often low; the Philippines is a bit like South America, but be aware that your sexual market value may depend a lot on the prospect for her to gain Western, preferably US citizenship.